Hey, King Kong—what’re you the ruler of? Numbskull Island? Yo, Mothra. Who designed your wing pattern? My grandmother’s curtains? Godzilla? More like Nod-zilla. What a snooze! Your momma is so fat, when she destroys a Japanese city, she destroys the WHOLE city.
“Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness. Wretched is he who looks back upon lone hours in vast and dismal chambers with brown hangings and maddening rows of antique books, or upon awed watches in twilight groves of grotesque, gigantic, and vine-encumbered trees…
Everything has its place on the food chain. Lettuce consumes the nutrients from the soil. Rabbits munch on lettuce. People catch rabbits and turn them into stew. But don’t be fooled—the chain doesn’t end with humans. Instead, it has a couple extra links. And those links are bigger, deadlier, and…
Guys. The point of the movie was to not die. What are you doing? Running around blindfolded. Bumping into doors and posts. Injuring small children. Robbing banks. Crashing cars. You know what? Keep doing it. We’ll just grab a mojito, kick back, and watch. Thanks for making our job easy.
It was immediately overused and quickly became cliche. To many, just the mere sound of the phrase is worse than press-on fingernails on a chalkboard. But for our purposes, there’s another prime reason to enjoy the phrase “New Year, New You.” For us, the phrase can be quite literal.
First, you start with a box. Then, you fill it with pox. Wrap it in bright-colored paper. Top it with a bow. What’s in it, you say? That’s the point of the thing—not to know. Then you hang an oversized sock over the fire. Fill it with a severed foot…
There’s a complete supremacy in immortality. The conquest of life over death that mere mortals can only chance, but in the end, never know. Over the years, one experiences many sensations. One sees regimes rise and fall. New generations build resistance against the sins of their fathers. And yet, they…
I heard you once told your mother you hated her for making you eat brussel sprouts. Betcha didn’t know they would become the “it” vegetable of 2016. Betcha feel pretty bad about making something over nothing. Because now your mom’s dead. Well, I’m here now, child. And I’m running this…
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